Price: $30 CAD / hour (That's like 22 USD, which is an absolute steal!)
Location: Anywhere north of the 49th parallel / Online or at your local Tim Hortons
Trump was elected president (again). We're sorry.
We know the Canadian immigration website crashed into a million maple-scented pieces right after the results came in. If you're one of the many Americans planning to convert to full-blown Canadianism, I am here to help you integrate quickly, smoothly, and politely.
I’ve got over 23 years of professional lived experience being Canadian. For just $30/hour (payable in Canadian monopoly money), I will tutor you in the art of surviving our culture, our winters, and our geese.
WHAT YOU WILL LEARN IN THE CURRICULUM:
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The Art of the Apology: All situations that warrant a mandatory "sorry," plus mastering the two distinct Canadian pronunciations.
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The Holy Trinity of Tim Hortons: Understanding Timmy’s, the sacred "double-double," and the geopolitical importance of Timbits.
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Liquid Gold: The critical, life-altering difference between regular table syrup and 100% pure maple syrup.
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Currency & Aromas: Navigating the loonie, the toonie, and the eternal national question: Do our plastic bills actually smell like maple syrup?
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Metric Conversion Therapy: Intro to Celsius, kilometres, provinces, and why driving 120 feels terrifyingly fast.
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Spelling & Linguistics: Why words like colour, neighbour, and centre require extra letters, plus why it's called "pop" and never, ever "soda".
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The Fauna Hierarchy: Respecting the beaver, fearing the moose, and running for your life from the vicious Canadian goose.
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Dairy Architecture: Milk and the mysterious physics of why it comes in bags.
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Extreme Politeness: The legal obligation to hold open doors even when you aren't entirely sure if someone is behind you.
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Hockey & Hibernation: Basic puck-chasing etiquette and how to survive a Canadian winter without turning into a frozen popsicle.
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National Lore: Canada's history (turns out, not as nice as you think), Justin Trudeau, and the terrifying majesty of the North American House Hippo.
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Linguistic Essentials: Basic French, poutine etiquette, mastering the classic "Eh," and watching the required cinematic masterpiece: House Hippo Commercial.
And much more!
Thank you for reading, and serious American refugees only, please.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Canadian
