Price: $15 CASH (Or trade for a half-eaten bag of chips and a lukewarm can of Tecate)
Location: Near UofA Campus / Speedway
Let’s be completely honest: times are dark right now. Between midterms, triple-digit summer heat exhaustion, and wondering if there's ever a light at the end of the tunnel, life can feel a bit dim.
Fortunately, I have great news for you. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's currently plugged into my living room wall.
Up for sale is your standard, iconic IKEA floor lamp featuring a slender chrome metal stem, a weighted square base, and a glowing rectangular paper shade that diffuses light so softly you’ll forget what fluorescent lighting looks like.
PRODUCT HIGHLIGHTS & SPECS:
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Tunnel Compatibility: This lamp is tall enough that you can position it at or near the end of any tunnels you may find, but not so tall that it gets stuck inside the tunnel.
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Alternative Equipment: We also have some "mining lamps" for sale if that’s more your style, though they look oddly like this exact lamp with the base taken off and taped to a hard hat. (Inquire within).
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Advanced Spectrum Technology: This lamp is gray, but it produces light containing almost all—if not all—the colors of the rainbow. Additional colors on other spectrums of light can be included upon buyer's request (subject to availability in the electromagnetic field).
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Assembly Status: Already built, meaning you don't have to suffer through the legendary IKEA rage-tears or try to decipher an instruction manual written by a Swedish sadist.
It provides just enough illumination to help you navigate your apartment at 2 AM without stubbing your toe on a textbook, yet dim enough to hide the fact that you haven't cleaned your baseboards since 2024.
Price is firm. Pick up near campus. Bring exact change!
