The Position
I am a feline professional offering my services as a live-in, full-time pet cat to a qualified human household in the Tucson area.
I truly believe I would make an exceptional pet—far superior to your average lazy domestic cat. If selected, we will execute a formal one-year contract, renegotiable at the end of the term. In exchange for room, board, top-shelf wet food, and full coverage of veterinary incidentals, I will deliver a comprehensive suite of feline companion services.
Candidate Profile
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Master Napper: My primary field of expertise is sleeping. My qualifications in multi-surface napping are impeccable.
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Dynamic Patrol: I perform routine checks between rooms, migrate strategically across furniture to follow sunbeams, and sit at the front window to stare judgmentally at passing pedestrians on Speedway.
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Peak Stretch Technique: Expert-level execution of long, dramatic yawns paired with full-body arch stretches across the living room rug.
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Nocturnal Patrols: At night, I require exit access so I can roam the neighborhood, hunt local pests, and inspect backyards before returning shortly before sunrise.
Relevant Work Experience
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1995–1998: Residence at Parents' House. Zero formal job responsibilities; lounged on the sofa cushions full-time. Performed core feline duties admirably.
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1998–2000: Residence at Sister’s Place. Continued unpaid leisure career. Monitored television screens from the couch, occasionally shifting to the rug for tactical variety. Exceeded all nap quotas.
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2000–2004: Residence at Ex-Girlfriend's House near Campus. Lounged in the shaded patio areas during peak heat, then provided mandatory lap warming upon her return. High-stress environment, but rose to the occasion.
(References available upon request)
Service Level Agreement (What I Will Provide)
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General Presence: I will occupy your home, nap in visible locations, and occasionally chase an errant moth.
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Zero Labor Policy: I will NOT answer the door, catch mice on command, or assist with household chores.
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Grooming: I maintain high personal hygiene standards via self-licking, supplemented by optional warm baths provided by management.
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Controlled Affection: Upon your return from work, I will grant exactly 30 seconds of head-bunting and purring before immediately returning to sleep.
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Active Listening: If you vent to me about your workday, I will stare blankly at the wall behind you so you never know whether I am digesting your emotional baggage or listening to gophers in the yard.
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Guest Relations: I will completely ignore any guests, dates, or family members you bring over.
Employer Responsibilities (What You Will Provide)
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Nutrition: Keep the refrigerator and pantry stocked with premium wet and dry food. (I am highly intelligent and capable of opening low cabinets myself if service is delayed.)
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Facility Maintenance: Maintain pristine furniture and rug surfaces so I can locate optimal sunbathing spots.
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Entertainment: Provide a high-definition TV with nature programming or satellite service (like all refined felines, I am mesmerized by moving graphics).
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Benefits Package: 100% employer-covered medical and dental care at a local Tucson vet clinic.
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Nightly Access: Leave a window cracked or install a pet door so I can go on nightly territorial patrols.
If you meet these requirements and wish to onboard a top-tier feline professional, please email me to schedule an interview.
